It’s all about trust

Mon 14 – Sun 20 Oct 2019

Trust – a little word but so important in our lives

The last week has shown that there aren’t many people you can really trust and that perhaps we are all acceptable collateral damage to somebody at some point. As I go through life I am realising trust is a very precious and rare commodity that should be appreciated and cherished when you find it.

Look at the wonderful world of politics (or as someone cruelly said, ‘show business for ugly people’ LOL). The Kurds thought they could trust America… We are now told we can trust Trump after Brexit to help us with a trade deal. Does that corrupt man really care for anyone else other than himself and his awful family? Then in the UK, surely the DUP thought they could trust Johnson after all he had said. And now some Labour MPs feel they can trust him on workers’ rights and environmental standards – how foolish they are.

Of course, I marched on Saturday

A million people and a wonderful mixture of all ages including many older people. Where this is all going to end – who knows? People who say endorse chaos are generally very wealthy and can deal with hardship – they are not living pay day to pay day. Hopefully we will avoid Brexit and stay part of Europe; it will nice to go back to being a stable nation. Clearly, whatever happens then about half of the country will not be happy and each half clearly does not trust the other for the foreseeable future. 🙁

Health and Efficiency

A funny turn

The nightmare

woman lays awake in bed

I did have a real physical wobble last week. I don’t put a lot of emphasis on dreams. For me, they are simply a way for the brain to download all the shit it has to deal with consciously and sub-consciously whilst we are awake. But during the early hours of Wed, I had one of the worst dreams I have ever had, basically a nightmare.

I was in a hospital and an instrument touched my elbow three times which then left me completely fucked. I could feel it in my dreams – like I had been hit across the head. And I could feel myself physically staggering about unable to move properly. It was like when I used to have a drug problem and once there was an instance where the only thing stopping me going into a coma was the fact that I kept myself conscious by staggering around.

The physical aftermath

When I woke, I physically could not move in the bed for about half an hour. I laid there rigid thinking I might have had a mini-stroke. Eventually I managed to get myself up and into work (my work ethic is ridiculously strong). I had a headache on the right side of my head and bright lights hurt. Could this be a migraine? I don’t think I’ve ever had them before. Eventually at lunchtime I gave up the ghost and went home to rest for the remainder of the day.

All very strange and one of the most striking things that has happened to me health-wise for a long time despite the range of chronic health problems I deal with and the cocktail of drugs I take day to day.

Gym and a day off

4 gym sessions last week. All mornings as I was at work in the afternoon. Mon and Tues morning then Thurs morning though that was very light to help with my recovery from the day before. Thankfully, I managed to sleep well on Wed night into Thurs. And Sun morning another sort of recovery workout after the previous day’s jog-run (followed by lunch at a restaurant where the local authority inspector paid a surprise visit 🙂 ).

I had planned to go to the gym on Fri but woke up feeling completely exhausted. Crashed back into sleep and woke proper at 8.30 which is ridiculously late for me – about 2 and a half hours later than I normally get up. No choice but to skip the gym and take a slow journey to work.


animation of a fat man running

Jog-run on Sat morning went well. I’m running in darker and cooler mornings as Autumn progresses. Decent enough time at 1 hour, 3 mins & 15 seconds. Perhaps I was expecting a bit better as I felt quite good in my head and body after taking the previous day off. A few km stretches of around 6.30 mins and my bete noire penultimate km stretch (8-9 km) came in at a cruddy 7 mins. 🙁


Supporting my elderly mum

Bad news this week on my mum. Basically me and my brother look after her as she gets older and more frailer. Knee replacement surgery done 5 years ago seems to have stopped working. She is in a lot of pain and fairly immobile, unable easily to get out of her flat.

I know that as we get older, it takes longer for things to heal if they heal at all. And I wonder if this is the point where my mum really starts to become a frail, old person who needs lots of care? I think I’m going to have to spend more time making sure she’s OK and doing stuff for her like shopping and washing.

I’ve always resisted taking a regular period of working at home time each week as I want people to be able to trust that I am around when they need me. But I think I’m going to have to spend one of my workday afternoons WAH so that I can ensure mum is safe and OK.

Art and Culture

A Black History Walk around Brixton

Friday afternoon, a group of me and my work colleagues went on a guided walk around Brixton to celebrate Black History Month. Not sure what to expect but it was brilliant. I don’t really know Brixton and the guide introduced us to a number of key venues including where people from the Windrush lived, where modern black music in the UK effectively started, and Brixton Market / Electric Avenue. Plus loads of important murals.

One of the things it made me think about is how history is all around us. I know that’s a bit of a truism but how often do you look at the buildings around you to consider the history they represent?


Sat afternoon after my jog-run and it was off with Dave to see this gay play. Also bumped into my old mate Dom who was there. It’s set in New York (isn’t most gay drama?) and features the story of a gay couple who have a 3-some which undermines their relationship. Good though a quite stereotypical script with lots of what you would expect from gay American men – tears, tantrums, I love yous, babies, etc.

IMHO, 3-somes never work as someone always gets left out. The play did ring true to me around the issue of trust in relationships. In a previous significant relationship there was the situation where my partner clearly was in love with someone else. No point in pushing him to a decision as I knew I would lose which is why I left. 🙁

Books and Reading

‘Behold the man’ by Michael Moorcock

Close up purple orchid

A short time travel story I realised I had already read. 🙂 Basically a man travels back to meet Jesus and finds that the gospels weren’t true until he intervened and made them so. You could see what was coming in advance. But it is a well written book from the late 1960s (50 years ago!) reflecting that period in many ways.


Extinction Rebellion

So we had the week that Extinction Rebellion tried to halt trains and got a good hiding both physically and in public trust. I totally support what XR are trying to achieve but screwing up poor people’s public transport ain’t the way. 🙁 It’s the activity of the rich who primarily contribute to climate change – they should be targeted. The more money you have, the more power you have. If XR had even just targeted trains at Knightsbridge rather than Canning Town. A big own-goal.

The Week Ahead

  • Got to re-arrange my work days to cover meetings so I will do full-days on Tues and Wed. I will not work on Thurs and that means I can spend extra time with mum.
  • Re-arranged days will mean reduced gym sessions. Hopefully 3 at least , possibly 4 if I don’t have a rest day on Friday. Jog-run on Sat morning weather permitting.
  • One of the highlights of the week is a massage with my favourite volunteer masseur at THT on Mon evening
  • An interesting learning session on Wed afternoon looking at the inter-play between grants and social investment
  • Carry on with the kindle book I’ve been reading for a couple of weeks. Also need to start on the next Velvet Page book soon.

And Finally…

Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

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